Faithful

    When Nathan was just a mere babe, maybe a week old, I recall looking at his knees, so smooth, so perfect, and undefiled. I wept knowing that life would mar them, scar them even, and wreak havoc on his body, mind, and soul. At that moment, I longed to protect and preserve his innocence from the people that would push him down, from the accidents he would even bring on himself during the learning and deciphering of the "how to's" in this world. I longed to spare him the pain, bleeding, and bruising that I knew his knees and ultimately his soul would endure. I also wept knowing that I as his mother, protector, and guide in this life could not stop these pitfalls from occurring. I would not be able to watch him every minute, guard his every step, or bubble him up to stop the onslaught that life would inevitably bring even though I desperately wanted to at that moment.

    So as he lay in the beautifully pure, white bassinet at our bedside, resting in the most serene and trusting way that babies do, I too lay beside Lee in our own bed, weeping as I thought these restless and distressing thoughts. Lee held me, he wrapped his arms around me and consumed me with the warmth and protective strength of a husband for his bride. And then he began to sing. The words were hard to decipher at first because I was sobbing but slowly and surely His peace flooded my soul as "Hold tight to the sounds of the music of living" began to live out in my mind. "Hold my hand as we run," yes Lee was holding me in this moment as we, together, were running this race called life. I embraced, "We have THIS moment to hold in our hand," only this one right now. "Sweet fragrances, Gentle touches, Tender words, And someone who loves me." I asked him how he knew that tender song and was able to recall it at that touching moment. He said his mother had taught it to him. I held on to those words, that tribute.

    I look back on that today and am so thankful to his mother for teaching him songs. Her songs still live in my heart today, and have blessed me, many times over. Keep on being faithful dear sisters! How many times, people may be blessed by the things that we do and we may never know the impact. Thankfully his Mom is still with us and I have determined in my heart to tell her of this blessing, today.

#WeHaveThisMomentToday

Happiness Now?

About a month ago I read a view point about a culture that once was. It told a story of a father coming home from work being greeted by his young son. A work that he was not particularly pleased with and found less than satisfying. But the story went on with the telling that he was ok with his lack of fulfillment and happiness here because he knew his eternal reward would be worth it all and far greater than any earthly pleasure he could ever reap. 

I latched on to this idea and started processing it. It took several turns down roads of varying degrees. It made me wonder if this is the very thing that is wrong with our culture today. After all, so much is said these days about finding your true happiness. You deserve it! Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. I do agree that our culture is self centered but was that truly any less of an issue 100 years ago? Surely selfishness wan’t any less of a temptation or sin now than it was at any other time in history. So I remained with this idea unsettled in my mind. Is happiness only attained in heaven?

 
Do I just quite myself in the woes of this world, sit back and make the most of it while grumbling to myself about the great happiness that I will have one day? Is it enough that one day we will sit with the creator of the world, walk with him, and break bread with him who first was broken for me? That reward while great, isn’t even about me. It’s not that I’ve done anything to attain that reward. God attained that by giving his son to be broken for me. 

In John 6 Jesus told the people to work for the food that endures to eternal life. They asked him what this work was and he replied, “Believe.”

There was my answer! Jesus is enough! Jesus is enough for me in the now! I am happy, truly joy-filled because Jesus is enough, today, right now. I don’t have to wait for heaven to be happy with Jesus. I can fully trust him to handle all the woes and storms of this life. I content myself that he is with me in the here and now. He is here in the brokeness. I can choose to find happiness in the graces that he lavishes out each day. The beauty of seeing one tempted by worldly things making even one lovely choice is a reason to be happy, God is providing and Jesus is enough.

Jesus is enough.

Hear His Voice

I watched a sermon where the pastor demonstrated hearing God’s voice via a blindfolded lady following directions to be guided around the interior of the church onto the stage. It was powerful and left me wondering if I truly listened to God? I had to ask myself if I was not only listening but pausing, no stopping to hear his reply. Or was I even asking him questions? Did I only come to him with a monologue of things I wanted to say in order to check the box, pray? Did I even have a desire to listen and hear his reply when it came or was I letting, yes choosing to let the noises around me drown him out? Do I even know his voice? Can I tell the difference between his voice and the many sounds around me?

It was a few weeks before my surgery that I was also trying to pack in a whole summer of fun activities with my boys as well as 3 months of work and school planning into 6 weeks. I wanted to be able to go into surgery with the peace-of-mind of having completed my curriculum purchases. As usual, a few books in particular were giving me trouble. I searched several times a day for any new additions and prayed to find the right one and for the right price in time to be done before my surgery. This was an expensive little book on Ferdinand Magellan, but it was the one my consult advised and therefor, I had to have it. I made an offer on ebay but was denied my offer. The seller even tempted me a few days after the bid had ended with purchasing it at his offered price.

Then I listened. I heard him say to wait.

What? Wait? I argued a bit with him about this because my goal was to have everything purchased before surgery. He offered me the standing option to follow my own way but reminded me that I had asked for his help and he was offering.


I have figured out that his way is better than mine so I stopped searching for that book. I didn’t look for it on book-finder, ebay, or Amazon. I just prayed, and waited.


He kept saying wait. I didn’t understand but He said you don’t need to always understand, you just need to trust. I beamed inside because when you choose to listen to God, trust and wait, we can know that something great is going to happen! So I praised him for the path he was paving for me. He was going before me to make a way for me to have this little book.


I had my surgery 2 weeks later without all of my goals met but my goals had changed and I had listened to God and it was so good to hear his voice and follow his guidance.


Each day I would ask, is this the day? for 4 weeks, he said no, not yet.


I was tempted to go look for myself, to assure myself that nothing new was there yet but I reminded myself that looking was just a waste of time and that when he said, “Go now,” the book would be there waiting for me.


Then the day came, “Go now, today is the day!”


Now Lord?


Yes, I have paved the way.


I found myself typing in Magellan Ferdinand, wait that’s not how I put in his name, I need to change it, correct it to Ferdinand Magellan. But enter had been pressed, and there it was. The book, the long awaited for story about a man on an ocean, in a boat, chasing a dream, for half the price I had seen before.

It couldn’t be true. Surely it’s a mistake. Well, let’s purchase it quick before it gets away. How did I even get to this page, I’m not sure! I don’t think I could go back and find it again if I tried.

Well, I can’t tell anyone about this because it’s probably just a mistake and the seller is going to send me an email tomorrow that this book listing was an error. Thomas had doubted too.


The next day the shipping confirmation showed up in my in-box. Wow! I wonder what kind of shape this book will be in when and if it gets here.


It arrived a few days later and is perfect. This book will forever be the one that I listened to God for, the one he paved the way for, the one I waited for.


His timing is perfect! Listening to him and obeying his voice is so fulfilling. Lord may I talk to you more and truly listen for your reply.

New Tools

The first week of the new school year started with Lee texting me from the airport that the toilet is stopped up before I even got out of bed and the week ended with me throwing up. The middle wasn’t much better. These kinds of weeks trigger my go to thoughts; I just want to die. God helped me create new pathways to stop this negative thinking a few years ago but these processes run deep and like to rear their ugly head. Thankfully I recognize it and can label myself with life giving promises. I am a child of the King. I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me. In my weakness He is strong. He has a plan for me. I am His friend. He didn’t promise life would be easy he promised to be with me. I know I’m in the palm of His hand and I’m going to come out with more tools for larger messes. We just overcame a deep trench of negative thinking.

I survived RCD

I've yelled.

I've cried.

and now I'm ready to fight!

Through much reading, I feel like I got RCD because of all of the naproxen that I took to relieve the swelling in my right shoulder.

But in the event that I get this again, I need to remember a few things. Abdomen pain plus fever means going to the Dr or er Right-A-Way.  I cannot stress that enough.

I need liquids like the following until the pain is gone.  I had terrible night time pain like food was stuck when I laid down and could move along.
Almond Milk
Bone broth
I still have to research collagen and gelatin.
But, plain gelatin made with apple juice and possible coconut water
Juice homemade:  carrots, celery, apple, and ginger  (This contains the soluble fiber only that is easiest to digest.)

Applesauce
Mashed potatoes with the antibiotic to prevent nausea.
Cauliflower cooked

I got Zofran disintegrating tablets to relieve nausea before potatoes. These work IMMEDIATELY but decrease serotonin so I liked the potato method better.

Denial

I first felt it in that first half hour after falling asleep.  My stomach was burning, this wasn't my usual stomach pain that happens during the day and gets better once I'm horizontal.

In my drowsiness, I ignored it just fine for about 30 minutes.  It kept waking me up though. Okay, I decided to get up and drink some water, sure that the burning would subside and I would rest easy.  But that didn't happen.

The pain radiated throughout, and settled into my RLQ.  It must be appendicitis but it just didn't feel quite right. The fever soon came and so did the er visit.  The ct scan showed lots of inflammation around the appendix but the appendix itself was not swollen or enlarged.

I was diagnosed with Right-sided Colonic Diverticulitis.  I was in denial and was sure that an appendectomy would have been easier to deal with.

Liberty is eroded by gradualism.  
“While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption: for of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage.” 2 Peter 2:19